G.I.Joe vs. Cobra

IN THE BASEMENT OF THE CRIMSON TWINS' EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES OFFICE COMPOUND, WHICH HAS BEEN CONVERTED INTO A CLANDESTINE BASE OF OPERATIONS FOR COBRA. . .

DR. MINDBENDER: Baroness...vhat an unexpected surprise! I assume zat ze Commander is aware of your visit?

BARONESS: The Commander knows everything that he needs to know, Doctor. Now please, excuse us.

DR. MINDBENDER: As you vish, Whore Baroness.

BARONESS: What did you say, you follically challenged orthodontist?

DR. MINDBENDER: Uh, I said, as you vish, Herr Baroness.

BARONESS: I'm very sorry about all of this, James.

DESTRO: Uh, yeh, this is totally fooked up! Ye melted me face off, yeh fookin' harlot!

BARONESS: You have to understand...when Cobra Commander found out about the tracking beacons on the warheads, he wanted you dead. I convinced him that you were more useful to Cobra alive, but he still wanted to teach you a lesson, so Major Bludd suggested we melted your face off, and well, you know.

DESTRO: Well...um...in that case...thanks, I guess. And I s'pose this new outfit is pretty badass.

BARONESS: Yeah, it has missiles in the gloves.

DESTRO: Those are super badass. Dr. Mindbender totally called you a whore.

BARONESS: I know. He's such a dick.

MEANWHILE, AT THE CLASSIFIED G.I. JOE TOP SECRET AIRFIELD OF SECRECY...

HAWK: Okay, Joes, we've got one shot at this...

HAWK: We're going to drop Snake Eyes and these new experimental rocket glider thingies off to our boys who are trapped down on Ross Island.

HAWK: Black Ripcord, you finish loading the experimental rocket glider thingies into the C-130 while I brief the rest of the airborne Joes about this mission.

BLACK RIPCORD: Roadblock was right. G.I. Joe is fuckin' racist.

WHITE RIPCORD: Ah, it ain't that bad, Black Ripcord. So what do you need us to do, Flint?

FLINT: Glad you asked, White Ripcord. With Black Ripcord loading the equipment, I guess it's safe to tell the rest of you that Cobra has revealed itself to be a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

CRAZY LEGS: And let me guess...it's up to G.I. Joe to stop it?

FLINT: You're goddamn right it is. General?

HAWK: Mainframe and Scarlett are pretty sure Cobra is trying to blow up some volcanoes with nuclear warheads in order to set off a chain reaction of volcanic activity throughout the Pacific Rim. Stalker and Beachhead's team rendezvoused with Snow Job near Antarctica, and we've lost communication with them. Ace, you and Slipstream are going to fly Snake Eyes and these rocket glider thingies over Ross Island to extract Stalker's team.

SLIPSTREAM: Hawk, is it true that the only reason I am on this mission is because I'm the only Joe from Utah?

ACE: Slipstream, you know that's the only reason. I can fly a C-130 in my sleep. I don't need a co-pilot.

SLIPSTREAM: Maybe so, Ace. But it is still pretty cool that it's official G.I. Joe canon that I'm from Utah.

AIRBORNE: Hmph. Provo. I thought mustaches were illegal for you Mormons?

SLIPSTREAM: They are, but I got an exception because I needed to cover up my impetigo scars.

HAWK: Oh, gross. Snake Eyes, you ready to go?

SNAKE EYES: . . .

SLIPSTREAM: Alright, then. Let's go!

BACK AT THE COBRA BASE IN TOMAX AND XAMOT'S CORPORATE BASEMENT...

COBRA COMMANDER: So, Dr. Mindbender, you were right. I hope we're not interrupting anything sssssssssspecial.

BARONESS: Dr. Mindbender, you're such a dickhead. Tattle-tale.

COBRA COMMANDER: Now, now, Baronessssssssss. Mindbender wassssssss jussssssssssssssssssst making sssssssssssssure that I knew what you were up to with the good Lord McCullen. I appreccccssssssssscccciate ssssssssssssssuch demonssssssssssssstrationssssss of loyalty!

COBRA COMMANDER: In fact, I'm glad we could all get together like thissssssss, to vissssit our dear friend McCullen.

DESTRO: McCullen is no more. Call me Destro. And thanks for the rocket launcher things on my gloves.

COBRA COMMANDER: Sssssssssssure thing, Desssssssstro! They're pretty badassssssss, aren't they? Now, get your coat on. We're going to Antarctica to check on your warheadssssssssss!

OVER ROSS ISLAND...

CRAZY LEGS: We're over the drop zone...And I'm picking up Beach Head's signal!

AIRBORNE: Let 'em know that Snake Eyes and those rocket glider thingies are on their way!

BEACHHEAD: I'm finally getting a signal, Stalker! They're sending in Snake Eyes with a bunch of rocket glider thingies to get us off this ice cube!

STALKER: Dope.

AIRBORNE: Beachhead! We're dropping the boxes with the rocket glider thingies that Black Ripcord loaded up. Snake Eyes is on his way!

BEACHHEAD: Roger that, Ace! Don't know where Shipwreck is, but the rest of us are ready to go! Shipwreck!! Shipwreck?!

AT THAT MOMENT, ABOUT A HUNDRED YARDS AWAY...

SHIPWRECK: Sweet baby Jesus in a manger...

ROSS ISLAND SURVIVORS: Wheeeee!

CRAZY LEGS: Okay, Snake Eyes...this is where you get off! Good luck, and don't forget to shout "Geronimo!"

SNAKE EYES: . . .

AIRBORNE: "Don't forget to shout 'Geronimo'?" Dude, Snake Eyes doesn't even talk. That's like his thing. And, as a Native American, I find it a little bit offensive.

CRAZY LEGS: Sorry, Airborne.

AIRBORNE: When we get back to base, you're going to help Black Ripcord clean the latrines.

TO BE CONTINUED...

IN AN ABANDONED SERVICE STATION ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF NEW ORLEANS...

ZARANA: Well, well, well, Zartan...mum was wrong about you. You've done pretty well fer yerself, 'ere. You can barely smell Torch's piss over in 'is corner, 'ere.

ZARTAN: Nevermind 'at, Sis. You an' me has got to figger a way to get me Dreadnoks back before they spill their guts about me...or worse, about Cobra.

ZARANA: Zartan, ye got all ye need? Lookit all 'see motorcycles! Why do ye need more money from some clandestine terrorist organization? What do ye want what ye don't already got?

ZARTAN: Don't ye start givin' me lectures now, lass. I ain't worried about my excessive accumulation of material goods...I'm worried about me fookin' neck. If any o' them Dreadnoks spill 'eir guts about Cobra, then I'm a dead man.

ZARANA: Fookin' 'ell, Zartan, they got nicked by a bunch a bloody Yanks. Whassa worst 'at could 'appen?

AT THAT MOMENT...

RIPPER: AAAAaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!

SGT. SLAUGHTER: A little too much juice to this one's balls, Duke--he passed out. We're not getting anything out of him.

DUKE: Well, your bum buddy over there couldn't take the pain. Can you take the pain? I'll bet you can take the pain if I give it to you like a dog. Hear me? I'm gonna make you hurt...doggy style!

TORCH: *whimper*

DUKE: That's right, bitch...it's gonna hurt...so...good....

LAW & ORDER: Ummm...okay, Duke, on that note I think it's time to put these boys back in their cell. We'll continue interrogating them tomorrow.

DUKE: I'll be back tomorrow, sweetheart. You may want to sit on your bedpost tonight because--

LAW & ORDER: --Alright, alright, Duke. Calm down, that's enough.

SGT. SLAUGHTER: I don't mean to speak out of turn, but I think Duke likes this advanced interrogation stuff a little too much.

LAW & ORDER: Gee, Sarge, you think?

LATER...

RIPPER: Oy...wha' happened? Me bits n' pieces...

BUZZER: They fried your nut sack with jumper cables.

BUZZER: I sure 'ope 'ol Zartan busts us outta here soon...I dunna know how much more our scrotums ken take.

MEANWHILE, UPSTAIRS IN THE INFIRMARY...

LIFELINE: Okay, that's the last unit of antibiotic...I think you're going to pull through, Falcon.

HAWK: Sorry about you getting tagged by that sniper, Falcon. But Bazooka came through and disarmed the warhead.

FALCON: What's going on out there, Hawk? Warheads? In volcanoes? It just doesn't make sense...

HAWK: Seriously. And to make matters worse, we've lost contact with our boys at the South Pole.

LIFELINE: Warheads...volcanoes...you know, Ross Island has two dormant volcanoes, Mt. Terror and Mt. Erebus. Have you...

HAWK: You hear something, Falcon?

FALCON: Yeah...kinda sounds like...nerd.

HAWK: Sure does. Heh heh.

LIFELINE: You guys are dicks.

HAWK: Just yankin' your chain, Lifeline. You're right. There are volcanoes down there, and judging by what happened to Falcon here, we need to get re-establish communications with Stalker's squad and get them extracted before it's too late. I've activated the only Joe for the job, and if I'm not mistaken...