Saturday, March 19, 2011

Chapter 4: Ross Island

G.I Joe Headquarters...Code Name: The Pit...

Deep in the Bowels of G.I. Joe's Top Secret Headquarters...

Mainframe: I've been analyzing the internet chatter about this "Cobra" organization and cross-referencing it with any information about Sir James Clark Ross.  Nothing conclusive, but...

Scarlett: Spit it out, Poindexter!  What have you got?!

Mainframe: Ross Island, Scarlett.  Ross Island.

Scarlett: Good God.  Ross Island.  It not only makes sense, it's brilliant.  The island was formed by four volcanoes--two of which are named Erebus and Terror.  Erebus is the Greek god of darkness, son of Chaos.

Mainframe: How did you know that?

Scarlett: Expository convenience.  Plus the volcanoes named Terror and Chaos just lend themselves to evil so well.

Mainframe.  Seriously.  We've got to tell the other Joes about this!


Hawk: Okay, Joes, listen up.  Some british doucheknocker gave us intel on Cobra.  After that, a bunch of Cobra guys stole a bunch of warheads from Flint and Stalker.  Scarlett and Mainframe confirmed that Cobra is real and it has something to do with an arctic explorer named James Clark Ross.  Could be horseshit, but we'll see.  Scarlett?

Scarlett: Mainframe and I looked into the information provided by the doucheknocker and we think we may be on to something.  There's this island down by Antarctica named after James Clark Ross and his two ships, the Erebus and the Terror.  We agreed that those would be badass names for terrorists to do something with so we sent Blow Job down to scope it out.  He's there now.  Blow Job?

Snow Job: *crick* Ha-ha.  Like I haven't heard that one before.  Anyhoo, I tried to check in with the base at McMurdo, but there was no response.  Something's definitely going on down here.  Over. *crick*

Stalker: Beachhead, let's you and me go down and check out McMurdo and see what up.

Beachhead: Uh, word, Stalker.  We'll go see "what up."  And for those that don't click the links, McMurdo is a reasearch station located on Ross Island.  Dat's what up.

Doc:  Racist.

Duke: Just for that, Doc, you get to take the brownie hound and go retrieve Blow Job.


Beachhead: *crick* Beachhead to base, Stalker and I made it to McMurdo station, but the place is abandoned!  *crick*

Beachhead: Luckily, there is still power.  We're going to take a look around and wait for Doc and Shipwreck to get back with Blow Job.  

Stalker: True dat.

Beachhead: *crick* Tell Roadblock he's right.  Stalker's a total Uncle Tom.  Over.  *crick*


Arctic Viper Sergeant: Okay, assholes, let's get this pipeline thing cut so that nobody can get power at McMurdo.  That will distract any military cocksuckers from messing up our plans.

Arctic Nerd Viper: Okay, everything is in order.  We're ready to start using our high tech equipment to sever this pipeline thing.

Arctic Viper #1: Okay, boys, let's cut up this pipeline with our chainsaw tanks!

Arctic Viper #1: Woo hoo!

Storm Shadow: Chainsaw tanks?  Seriously?


Snow Job: F-f-f-f-fuck it's cold.  I hope those guys get here soon.


Shipwreck: Hey Doc!  There's Blow Job!

Doc: Shipwreck, you oughtta be the last guy making blow job jokes.

Shipwreck: Oh yeah.  Heh.  I guess I shouldn't call you "Cock," either?

Doc: You got that right.  Driver, stop the Snow Cat!  Let's get Snow Job back to our temporary arctic base and debrief him.

Shipwreck: Debrief him?  Can I watch?

Doc: Not that way, Shipwreck.  Not that way.

Snow Job: 'Bout goddamn time you guys.  It's cold out here!

Snow Job: I don't know what's going on at McMurdo, but I saw these weird chainsaw tank thingies cutting some sort of pipeline thing.  Looks like terrorist activity for sure!

Shipwreck: We're going to debrief you, Snow Job!

Snow Job: Uh, Doc?

Doc: Not that way, Snow Job.  Not that way.

Shipwreck: Aw...