MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PIT...
HAWK: If this photonovel blog is only going to get updated once every couple of months, then by damn we've got to get moving!
DUKE: That's called "breaking the fourth wall."
MAINFRAME: It's alright, Hawk. I think I'm on to something that will speed things up.
HAWK: Speed is good. What is it?
MAINFRAME: Our intel agents over at the DOD informed us that the stolen warheads have homing beacons. Some of them have been disabled, but I've tracked one down...it's in Myanmar.
MAINFRAME: You can see it here on the tiny map on my tiny computer screen.
DUKE: Since I am an otherwise useless piece of shit, I will go get a real map.
SCARLETT: Hey look! Mandalay! One of the Asian businessmen who used to hire me was from there!
MAINFRAME: Hire you?
HAWK: According to this map, the warhead's homing beacon is transmitting from this area southest of Bagan.
MAINFRAME: Interesting. It's coming from the jungle near Mount Popa.
SCARLETT: You want me to mount who?
HAWK: No, Scarlett. Mount Popa. It's a dormant volcano surrounded by impenetrable jungle. Duke, get me G.I. Joe's jungle specialist, Recondo!
RECONDO: You wanted to see me, boss?
HAWK: I want you to assemble a team and get to the base of Mount Popa in Myanmar.
RECONDO: No problem. I'll take Beachhead, Stalker, Doc, Shipwreck, and Blow Job.
SCARLETT: That reminds me--be careful if a guy from Mandalay busts your dental dam. You can get throat herpes.
HAWK: Ummm...okay. Sorry, Recondo. Those guys are all in Antarctica.
RECONDO: In that case, I'll take Outback, Leatherneck, Wet-Suit, and Hit and Run. We'll go see what's up.
LATER, DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF MYANMAR (FORMERLY BURMA)...
RECONDO: Ah, Myanmar...look over there, guys.
RECONDO: That's Taung Kalat, or "Pedestal Hill." It's a volcanic plug.
WET-SUIT: Leatherneck could use a volcanic plug. His ass was erupting all the way here and now the Humvee smells like Roadblock's gumbo.
RECONDO: Up on top is a Buddhist monastery...it has a stairway with 777 steps that was once maintained by the monk U Khandi.
OUTBACK: I could go for some candy right about now.
RECONDO: *sigh* Anyhoo, guys...the signal from that warhead is just a few clicks ahead. Outback, you take point, me, Leatherneck, and Hit and Run will be right behind you. Wet-Suit has scuba gear, so he's the only one that can stand to be in the Humvee; he'll provide mobile cover.
RECONDO: I have no idea what we're in for, so be ready for anything.
A FEW YARDS AWAY...
ZARTAN: Okay, boys, we've been paid a pretty penny to recover this 'ere war'ead for Cobra. Let's keep it secure 'till their agent shows up.
OUTBACK: Cobra? What's that guy talking about?
BUZZER: So Zartan, since weef already been paid for recoverin' this nuke, what's keepin' us from just takin' it an' sellin' it onna black market?
ZARTAN: Don't you fret about 'at, Buzzah. I've got me eye on a sellah besides 'em blokes at Cobra headquarters....
RECONDO: Oy! I heard all about Cobra on the internet. It's supposed to be some kind of secret, clandestine organization run by the Republicans or something.
HIT & RUN: God, I hate Republicans.
OUTBACK: Who doesn't? So whaddaya think, Recondo? Are these guys working for Cobra?
RECONDO: We'll find out soon enough. Wet-Suit should be overtaking them any second...
WET-SUIT: Yoooooooo Jooooooooooe!
WET-SUIT: Now guys!
RIPPER: You got more guys wif you? Aw, fookin' 'ell!
TORCH: Wer awfra meg ton to tilly roffa bin banga-bang, Rippah!
RIPPER: Yeah, you may be right, Torch. But we'll hafta wait an' see, won' we, Buzzah?
BUZZER: 'At we will, Rippah. 'At we will.
RECONDO: You guys are coming back to the U.S. of A. to tell us everything you know about Cobra and what it's planning to do with these warheads.
LEATHERNECK: Where's that guy in the hood? The one with the Courtney Love makeup?!
MONKEYWRENCH: 'At's Zartan, an' I dunna know where he made offta. He's a sneaky one, 'at Zartan.
LEATHERNECK: Wait...that accent...is that Scottish or Australian?
MONKEYWRENCH: Iss Welsh.
ZARTAN: Heh, heh, heh...
RECONDO: Recondo to H.Q., we've recovered one of the warheads!
HIT & RUN: Hey, ask what's for dinner tomorrow.
RECONDO: Not now, Hit & Run.
LEATHERNECK: Well, I tell you one thing, you rowdies. You're gonna enjoy buttfucking each other in the brig back at the Pit! Har-har-har!
TORCH: Ragreffer gree nock ter terry lick effen gerk, eh, Rippah?
RIPPER: I suppose yer right, Torch. But 'at's what the latex is fer.
WET-SUIT: I wonder if those guys in Antarctica are having as much luck as we are.
BACK ON ROSS ISLAND....
SNOW JOB: Oooh, look! Penguins!
FIREFLY: Those Joes will get a real bang out of these penguins!
SHIPWRECK: Did someone say something about banging these penguins?
PENGUIN: Tick, tick, tick, tick...
TO BE CONTINUED