Saturday, June 11, 2011

Chapter 5: Myanmar

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PIT...


HAWK: If this photonovel blog is only going to get updated once every couple of months, then by damn we've got to get moving!


DUKE: That's called "breaking the fourth wall."



MAINFRAME: It's alright, Hawk.  I think I'm on to something that will speed things up.

HAWK: Speed is good.  What is it?





MAINFRAME: Our intel agents over at the DOD informed us that the stolen warheads have homing beacons.  Some of them have been disabled, but I've tracked one down...it's in Myanmar.



MAINFRAME: You can see it here on the tiny map on my tiny computer screen.


DUKE: Since I am an otherwise useless piece of shit, I will go get a real map.

SECONDS LATER...



SCARLETT: Hey look!  Mandalay!  One of the Asian businessmen who used to hire me was from there!

MAINFRAME: Hire you?

SCARLETT: Nevermind.



HAWK: According to this map, the warhead's homing beacon is transmitting from this area southest of Bagan.

MAINFRAME: Interesting.  It's coming from the jungle near Mount Popa.

SCARLETT: You want me to mount who?

HAWK: No, Scarlett.  Mount Popa.  It's a dormant volcano surrounded by impenetrable jungle.  Duke, get me G.I. Joe's jungle specialist, Recondo!

SECONDS LATER...



RECONDO: You wanted to see me, boss?


HAWK: I want you to assemble a team and get to the base of Mount Popa in Myanmar.


RECONDO: No problem.  I'll take Beachhead, Stalker, Doc, Shipwreck, and Blow Job.


SCARLETT: That reminds me--be careful if a guy from Mandalay busts your dental dam.  You can get throat herpes.



HAWK: Ummm...okay.  Sorry, Recondo.  Those guys are all in Antarctica.

RECONDO:  In that case, I'll take Outback, Leatherneck, Wet-Suit, and Hit and Run.  We'll go see what's up.

LATER, DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF MYANMAR (FORMERLY BURMA)...




RECONDO: Ah, Myanmar...look over there, guys.


RECONDO: That's Taung Kalat, or "Pedestal Hill."  It's a volcanic plug.  


WET-SUIT: Leatherneck could use a volcanic plug.  His ass was erupting all the way here and now the Humvee smells like Roadblock's gumbo.


LEATHERNECK: ...


RECONDO: Up on top is a Buddhist monastery...it has a stairway with 777 steps that was once maintained by the monk U Khandi.



OUTBACK:  I could go for some candy right about now.

RECONDO: *sigh* Anyhoo, guys...the signal from that warhead is just a few clicks ahead.  Outback, you take point, me, Leatherneck, and Hit and Run will be right behind you.  Wet-Suit has scuba gear, so he's the only one that can stand to be in the Humvee; he'll provide mobile cover.

LEATHERNECK: ...

RECONDO:  I have no idea what we're in for, so be ready for anything.

A FEW YARDS AWAY...




ZARTAN: Okay, boys, we've been paid a pretty penny to recover this 'ere war'ead for Cobra.  Let's keep it secure 'till their agent shows up.




OUTBACK: Cobra?  What's that guy talking about?



BUZZER: So Zartan, since weef already been paid for recoverin' this nuke, what's keepin' us from just takin' it an' sellin' it onna black market?



ZARTAN: Don't you fret about 'at, Buzzah.  I've got me eye on a sellah besides 'em blokes at Cobra headquarters....


RECONDO: Oy! I heard all about Cobra on the internet.  It's supposed to be some kind of secret, clandestine organization run by the Republicans or something.



HIT & RUN: God, I hate Republicans.


OUTBACK: Who doesn't?  So whaddaya think, Recondo?  Are these guys working for Cobra?

RECONDO:  We'll find out soon enough.  Wet-Suit should be overtaking them any second...



WET-SUIT: Yoooooooo Jooooooooooe!

DREADNOKS: Yeeeeeaaaaauuuuuuugh!


BUZZER: Getoffame!

WET-SUIT: Now guys!

RIPPER: You got more guys wif you?  Aw, fookin' 'ell!


TORCH: Wer awfra meg ton to tilly roffa bin banga-bang, Rippah!

RIPPER: Yeah, you may be right, Torch.  But we'll hafta wait an' see, won' we, Buzzah?

BUZZER: 'At we will, Rippah.  'At we will.



RECONDO: You guys are coming back to the U.S. of A. to tell us everything you know about Cobra and what it's planning to do with these warheads.



LEATHERNECK: Where's that guy in the hood?  The one with the Courtney Love makeup?!

MONKEYWRENCH: 'At's Zartan, an' I dunna know where he made offta.  He's a sneaky one, 'at Zartan.

LEATHERNECK: Wait...that accent...is that Scottish or Australian?

MONKEYWRENCH: Iss Welsh.

MEANWHILE...


ZARTAN: Heh, heh, heh...


LATER...



RECONDO: Recondo to H.Q., we've recovered one of the warheads!

HIT & RUN: Hey, ask what's for dinner tomorrow.

RECONDO: Not now, Hit & Run.


LEATHERNECK: Well, I tell you one thing, you rowdies.  You're gonna enjoy buttfucking each other in the brig back at the Pit!  Har-har-har!

TORCH: Ragreffer gree nock ter terry lick effen gerk, eh, Rippah?



RIPPER: I suppose yer right, Torch.  But 'at's what the latex is fer.


LEATHERNECK: Whoa.


WET-SUIT: I wonder if those guys in Antarctica are having as much luck as we are.

BACK ON ROSS ISLAND....


SNOW JOB: Oooh, look!  Penguins!


FIREFLY: Those Joes will get a real bang out of these penguins!


SHIPWRECK: Did someone say something about banging these penguins?


PENGUIN: Tick, tick, tick, tick...


TO BE CONTINUED

3 comments:

  1. Recondo? Outback AND Zartan?!! My favorite!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think the jungle sounds pushed this episode into a new level of reality. Well done, sir.

    ReplyDelete
  3. They just keep getting better. Scarlett's kind of a whore.

    ReplyDelete