Saturday, June 9, 2012

Chapter 11: Nothing Is As It Seems

IN THE BASEMENT OF THE CRIMSON TWINS' EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES OFFICE COMPOUND, WHICH HAS BEEN CONVERTED INTO A CLANDESTINE BASE OF OPERATIONS FOR COBRA. . . 


DR. MINDBENDER: Baroness...vhat an unexpected surprise!  I assume zat ze Commander is aware of your visit?


BARONESS: The Commander knows everything that he needs to know, Doctor.  Now please, excuse us.


DR. MINDBENDER: As you vish, Whore Baroness.


BARONESS: What did you say, you follically challenged orthodontist?


DR. MINDBENDER: Uh, I said, as you vish, Herr Baroness.



BARONESS: I'm very sorry about all of this, James.


DESTRO: Uh, yeh, this is totally fooked up! Ye melted me face off, yeh fookin' harlot!


BARONESS: You have to understand...when Cobra Commander found out about the tracking beacons on the warheads, he wanted you dead.  I convinced him that you were more useful to Cobra alive, but he still wanted to teach you a lesson, so Major Bludd suggested we melted your face off, and well, you know.


DESTRO: Well...um...in that case...thanks, I guess.  And I s'pose this new outfit is pretty badass.

BARONESS:  Yeah, it has missiles in the gloves.

DESTRO: Those are super badass.  Dr. Mindbender totally called you a whore.

BARONESS: I know. He's such a dick.

MEANWHILE, AT THE CLASSIFIED G.I. JOE TOP SECRET AIRFIELD OF SECRECY...


HAWK: Okay, Joes, we've got one shot at this...


HAWK: We're going to drop Snake Eyes and these new experimental rocket glider thingies off to our boys who are trapped down on Ross Island. 



HAWK: Black Ripcord, you finish loading the experimental rocket glider thingies into the C-130 while I brief the rest of the airborne Joes about this mission.


BLACK RIPCORD: Roadblock was right.  G.I. Joe is fuckin' racist.


WHITE RIPCORD: Ah, it ain't that bad, Black Ripcord.  So what do you need us to do, Flint?


FLINT: Glad you asked, White Ripcord.  With Black Ripcord loading the equipment, I guess it's safe to tell the rest of you that Cobra has revealed itself to be a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.


CRAZY LEGS: And let me guess...it's up to G.I. Joe to stop it?


FLINT: You're goddamn right it is.  General?

HAWK: Mainframe and Scarlett are pretty sure Cobra is trying to blow up some volcanoes with nuclear warheads in order to set off a chain reaction of volcanic activity throughout the Pacific Rim.  Stalker and Beachhead's team rendezvoused with Snow Job near Antarctica, and we've lost communication with them.  Ace, you and Slipstream are going to fly Snake Eyes and these rocket glider thingies over Ross Island to extract Stalker's team.


SLIPSTREAM:  Hawk, is it true that the only reason I am on this mission is because I'm the only Joe from Utah?  


ACE: Slipstream, you know that's the only reason.  I can fly a C-130 in my sleep.  I don't need a co-pilot.


SLIPSTREAM: Maybe so, Ace.  But it is still pretty cool that it's official G.I. Joe canon that I'm from Utah.


AIRBORNE: Hmph.  Provo.  I thought mustaches were illegal for you Mormons?


SLIPSTREAM: They are, but I got an exception because I needed to cover up my impetigo scars.

HAWK: Oh, gross.  Snake Eyes, you ready to go?



SNAKE EYES: . . . 


SLIPSTREAM: Alright, then.  Let's go!

BACK AT THE COBRA BASE IN TOMAX AND XAMOT'S CORPORATE BASEMENT...


COBRA COMMANDER: So, Dr. Mindbender, you were right.  I hope we're not interrupting anything sssssssssspecial.


BARONESS: Dr. Mindbender, you're such a dickhead.  Tattle-tale.


COBRA COMMANDER: Now, now, Baronessssssssss.  Mindbender wassssssss jussssssssssssssssssst making sssssssssssssure that I knew what you were up to with the good Lord McCullen.  I appreccccssssssssscccciate ssssssssssssssuch demonssssssssssssstrationssssss of loyalty!


COBRA COMMANDER: In fact, I'm glad we could all get together like thissssssss, to vissssit our dear friend McCullen.


DESTRO: McCullen is no more.  Call me Destro.  And thanks for the rocket launcher things on my gloves.


COBRA COMMANDER: Sssssssssssure thing, Desssssssstro!  They're pretty badassssssss, aren't they?  Now, get your coat on.  We're going to Antarctica to check on your warheadssssssssss!

OVER ROSS ISLAND...


CRAZY LEGS: We're over the drop zone...And I'm picking up Beach Head's signal!


AIRBORNE: Let 'em know that Snake Eyes and those rocket glider thingies are on their way!


BEACHHEAD: I'm finally getting a signal, Stalker!  They're sending in Snake Eyes with a bunch of rocket glider thingies to get us off this ice cube!

STALKER: Dope.


AIRBORNE: Beachhead!  We're dropping the boxes with the rocket glider thingies that Black Ripcord loaded up.  Snake Eyes is on his way!



BEACHHEAD: Roger that, Ace!  Don't know where Shipwreck is, but the rest of us are ready to go!  Shipwreck!!  Shipwreck?!

AT THAT MOMENT, ABOUT A HUNDRED YARDS AWAY...


SHIPWRECK: Sweet baby Jesus in a manger...



ROSS ISLAND SURVIVORS: Wheeeee!






CRAZY LEGS: Okay, Snake Eyes...this is where you get off!  Good luck, and don't forget to shout "Geronimo!"






 SNAKE EYES: . . . 




AIRBORNE: "Don't forget to shout 'Geronimo'?"  Dude, Snake Eyes doesn't even talk.  That's like his thing.  And, as a Native American, I find it a little bit offensive.

CRAZY LEGS: Sorry, Airborne.

AIRBORNE: When we get back to base, you're going to help Black Ripcord clean the latrines.




TO BE CONTINUED...

1 comment:

  1. Excellent Joe Characters in this bit. Me Gusta!

    ReplyDelete