Chapter 9: Inferno

BACK AT THE PIT...

MAINFRAME: Okay, Hawk, it's all starting to come together.  Cobra--the terrorist organization that British guy told you about--stole the warheads we were supposed to transport to a military contractor.  Recondo recovered one of them from some hooligans in Myanmar near the base of Mt. Popa, one of the volcanoes of the Pacific Ring of Fire.

HAWK: Hmm.  And based on the intel...um...Duke retrieved from that punk rocker, we sent Falcon and his team to Mt. Shasta--another volcano in the Ring of Fire!

SCARLETT: Blow Job!

MAINFRAME: Oh my god, you're right!  Blow Job and Beachhead are down on Ross Island--Mt. Erebus and Mt. Terror are both volcanoes in the Pacific Rim!

SCARLETT: Oh, yeah...I hadn't thought of that. I was just remembering something I had to do tonight.

MAINFRAME: Huh? But you...said Blow Job...didn't you...mean...Snow Job...because we...tease...er...oh.  In any event, those guys are in incredible danger!  We've got to let them know that one of the nukes may be on the island.

BEACHHEAD: Any luck contacting The Pit?

SHIPWRECK: Still nothing...

SNOW JOB: I have a bad feeling about this.

MAINFRAME: Damn! Our Communications to Ross Island have been shut down.  We can't reach them, Hawk.

SCARLETT: Hey, what were you guys saying about "rim"?

HAWK:  Gross.  Mainframe, if we can't reach our boys on Ross Island, then there's only one chance...

MEANWHILE, OVER AT MT. SHASTA...

FALCON: Bazooka...the other two...are drunk.  You...must...deactivate the...nuke in...volcano.

BAZOOKA: I knew I shoulda drunk some of that stuff.

WILD BILL: *Snicker*

SPIRIT: *Snicker*

BAZOOKA: Awright, I'll climb down in the volcano to turn off that nuke, but you guys better go find out who shot Falcon so the rest of us don't get shot.

WILD BILL: *hic* Spirit's two steps ahead of ya, Bazooka.  When he drinks that fire water, he enters the spirit world...I bet he's scalpin' them dangum snipers right this second.

JUNGLE VIPER #1: Okay, now when the big one moves out from behind the vehicle, take your shot.

SPIRIT: Mmmmm...ya-ta-hey...mmmhhhhmmm....

SPIRIT: By the hand of my spirit fathers, may your blood fertilize this soil...

JUNGLE VIPER #1:  *GERK!*

JUNGLE VIPER #2: Aw, shit.

BAZOOKA: Damn, it's sure hot in here, with all this  lava and volcanic eruption and whatnot.  

BAZOOKA: I mean, downright, steamy.  Here's the warhead...and the deactivation code....

BAZOOKA: Okay, it's deactivated!  Load Falcon into the vehicle and let's get outta here before this whole mountain blows!

WILD BILL: Yee-haw!

BAZOOKA: That went smoothly enough.  As I attempt to ascend this hell hole, I can't help but wonder, am I being assisted by a supernatural being?  God himself, perhaps?  Or is this provident result merely the fortune of my hard work, dedication, and a little luck? 

BAZOOKA: Someday, I suppose.  Someday, I suppose I will receive answers to these questions, and those others posed by life's random circumstance...

WILD BILL: Good job, Bazook.  Hey, you ever use the old "Wanna take a mustache ride" line with the ladies?  

BAZOOKA: Mustach ride? Uh...wait...uh...um, no.  

THAT NIGHT, IN THE MEDICAL WING OF EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES CORPORATE OFFICES...

DESTRO: Wh...where am I?

DR. MINDBENDER: Take it easy, Mr. McCullen.  You've been through quite a bit in ze past few veeks.

BARONESS: Mindbender! The Commander thanks you for your assistance and medical expertise, but The Commander has asked me to take over from here....

MEANWHILE, AT THE PIT...

HAWK: Mainframe, our boys in that volcano are in peril and we can't even reach the guys on Ross Island.  The circumstances are dire.  We only have one chance.  Call in...

HAWK: ...Snake Eyes.

TO BE CONTINUED

in CHAPTER 10: BLOOD!!!

Chapter 8: Eruption

MT. SHASTA, NORTHERN CALIFORNIA...

COPPERHEAD: Hurry it up, robot!

B.A.T. #1: Why don't you get your weak organic ass down here? It's hotter than hell and the magma is melting my circuits!

B.A.T. #2: Copperhead, my sensors are picking up four life form readings approaching at a velocity consistent with transport via Armored Personnel Carrier!

COPPERHEAD: That's it.  I've had enough of this suck job anyway.  You robots, finish activating that warhead.

COPPERHEAD: You, Jungle Vipers.  You stick around and hide out in the forest and watch for--

JUNGLE VIPER #1: Ahem.  Excuse me, sir?  We're Jungle Vipers and technically, this is a forest, so really, we shouldn't even be--

COPPERHEAD: Shut your goddamn pie hole and hide in the woods.  When whoever it is shows up, take 'em out and buy those blankety-blank robots some time.  I'm skinnin' outta here!

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

ARMORED PERSONNEL CARRIER: VRRRrrrrooooom.  Screech.

FALCON: Well, here we are at the volcanic crater.  I don't see anything...but something doesn't feel right.

BAZOOKA: That's something I've often struggled with...are subjective feelings an appropriate basis for any sort of action?  It's one thing out here in the woods, I suppose, call it instinct, if you will.  But in matters of epistemological certainty, I just don't--

WILD BILL: Aw, hell, don't you ever shut up?  Spirit, hand over that canteen of the good stuff.

SPIRIT: *hiccup*

BAZOOKA: Well, I'm just sayin'.

FALCON: That's enough, you guys.  Stand watch while I get ready to rappel down into the crater and verify that warhead's signal.  If I can locate it, I'll deactivate it and avert a national catastrophe, likely earning one if not more medals of valor in the process.

JUNGLE VIPER #1:  Oh shit oh shit oh shit!  Wake up!  There's a green beret and...um...I guess a football player.  And a cowboy.  And...um...an...an Indian.

JUNGLE VIPER #2: Are they special ops or a Village People cover band?

JUNGLE VIPER #1: Who can tell these days?  Just shoot 'em.

JUNGLE VIPER #2: Well, to be on the safe side, I'll take out the green beret first.

KA-POW!

FALCON: Ouch!  What the--

WILD BILL: Well shee-it.  Bazooka, I can state with enough certainty to please Renee Dez-Cart-ez his self that our mission leader just took a bullet to the shoulder.

SPIRIT: We in heap big trouble now...*hiccup*

MEANWHILE, IN A SPACIOUS STORAGE FACILITY AT THE CORPORATE OFFICES OF EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES...

COBRA COMMANDER: Let usssssssss dissssspensssssssssse with the pleassssssssssantriessssssss, McCullen.  When were you going to tell ussssssssss about the tracking beaconssssssssss in the warheadssssssssssssss?  Our mercccsssssssenary contact in Burma reportssssssssssss that one of the warheadssssssssss wassssss intercccsssssssssepted by sssssssssssssome ssssssssort of sssssssssspecccsssssssssssssial forcccsssssssssessssssssssssssss sssssssssssquadron.

McCULLEN: Commander, I can explain.

COBRA COMMANDER: Pleasssssse do.  Thisssssssssss should be abssssssssssssolutely sssssssstunning.

McCULLEN: I must confess, most of the warheads were deliberate decoys.  I wanted to analyze U.S. military response for future, tactical reasons.  Only one warhead is critical to the execution of the plan.  And I assure you, Commander, that warhead is utterly undetectable.

McCULLEN: As you can see, the detonation of a single, strategically placed warhead will be sufficient to achieve the desired objective.  That warhead, Commander, is being readied for placement as we speak.

McCULLEN: I apologize, however, for keeping the details of the tracking beacons and the purpose of the other warheads to m'self.  But at this stage, I felt that discretion was advised.  I kept meh cards close to the vest, as they say here in the colonies.  Of course, all of the surveillance data I have collected will be at your disposal.

COBRA COMMANDER: For the pricsssssssse we paid, I would excsssssssssspect nothing lessssssss.  But if there isssssssss one thing I mussssssst inssssssssssssist upon, McCullen, it issssssssss full appraisssssssssssal of every facccsssssssset of the planssssssss.  And I've taken the liberty of ensssssssssuring that from thissssss point forward, I will have your complete candor and fiducccssssssiary loyalty in all of our future bussssssssssinessssssssss dealingssssssssss.  Baronesssssss?

BARONESS: Mr. McCullen, I trust you recognize this?

McCULLEN: Where did you--I mean, aye, I recognize 'at.  It's a relic to which I must confess a bit of a sentimental attachment.

BARONESS: The attachment is about to become more than sentimental.  Major!

MAJOR BLUDD: This here concoction is a special recipe of me own, Guvnah.  A special little rubidium formula what I like to use on special occasions such as this.

McCULLEN: Rubidium?  Rubidium bursts into flame when--

MAJOR BLUDD: Right you are, Guvnah.  Right you are!

SPLASH!

McCULLEN: Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

DR. MINDBENDER: Most impressive, Major Bludd.  The effects are quite like you described.

McCULLEN: Aaaargh!  Yeh are all madmen!  The plan will work!  The plan will still work!

COBRA COMMANDER: Oh, I'm sssssssssssure it will, McCullen.  I'm ssssssure it will.  Esssssspecccssssssssially now that you're contract with Cobra jussssst became exssssssssclussssssive.  Put him out, Mindbender.

McCULLEN: Unh . . .

DR. MINDBENDER: Come along now, Mr. McCullen.  I can't promise that the next few hours won't be painful--in fact, I am pretty sure they will be.  But when you wake up, you won't remember a thing.  Well...you won't remember most of it, anyway.

McCULLEN: Grrrrmmm...I...will...destroy....destroy...destro....

COBRA COMMANDER: Take him away, Mindbender...we don't want him to become...unssssssssssalvagable.

DR. MINDBENDER: Certainly, Commander.  I'm confident that I can find a remedy for his injuries that is...

DR. MINDBENDER: ...permanent.

BACK AT MT. SHASTA...

FALCON: Bazooka...I know the others...have been hitting...Spirit's Native American...hooch.  You're...our only hope.  Must...deactivate...warhead....

BAZOOKA: All those years of training have led up to this.  Now is my chance to show Hawk I'm a real Joe.  And maybe...just maybe...I'll get a real uniform and be able to take off this stupid football jersey.  I won't let you down, Falcon!

TO BE CONTINUED

in Chapter 9: Inferno!