Chapter 5: Myanmar

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PIT...

HAWK: If this photonovel blog is only going to get updated once every couple of months, then by damn we've got to get moving!

DUKE: That's called "breaking the fourth wall."

MAINFRAME: It's alright, Hawk.  I think I'm on to something that will speed things up.

HAWK: Speed is good.  What is it?

MAINFRAME: Our intel agents over at the DOD informed us that the stolen warheads have homing beacons.  Some of them have been disabled, but I've tracked one down...it's in Myanmar.

MAINFRAME: You can see it here on the tiny map on my tiny computer screen.

DUKE: Since I am an otherwise useless piece of shit, I will go get a real map.

SECONDS LATER...

SCARLETT: Hey look!  Mandalay!  One of the Asian businessmen who used to hire me was from there!

MAINFRAME: Hire you?

SCARLETT: Nevermind.

HAWK: According to this map, the warhead's homing beacon is transmitting from this area southest of Bagan.

MAINFRAME: Interesting.  It's coming from the jungle near Mount Popa.

SCARLETT: You want me to mount who?

HAWK: No, Scarlett.  Mount Popa.  It's a dormant volcano surrounded by impenetrable jungle.  Duke, get me G.I. Joe's jungle specialist, Recondo!

SECONDS LATER...

RECONDO: You wanted to see me, boss?

HAWK: I want you to assemble a team and get to the base of Mount Popa in Myanmar.

RECONDO: No problem.  I'll take Beachhead, Stalker, Doc, Shipwreck, and Blow Job.

SCARLETT: That reminds me--be careful if a guy from Mandalay busts your dental dam.  You can get throat herpes.

HAWK: Ummm...okay.  Sorry, Recondo.  Those guys are all in Antarctica.

RECONDO:  In that case, I'll take Outback, Leatherneck, Wet-Suit, and Hit and Run.  We'll go see what's up.

LATER, DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF MYANMAR (FORMERLY BURMA)...

(CLICK HERE)

RECONDO: Ah, Myanmar...look over there, guys.

RECONDO: That's Taung Kalat, or "Pedestal Hill."  It's a volcanic plug.  

WET-SUIT: Leatherneck could use a volcanic plug.  His ass was erupting all the way here and now the Humvee smells like Roadblock's gumbo.

LEATHERNECK: ...

RECONDO: Up on top is a Buddhist monastery...it has a stairway with 777 steps that was once maintained by the monk U Khandi.

OUTBACK:  I could go for some candy right about now.

RECONDO: *sigh* Anyhoo, guys...the signal from that warhead is just a few clicks ahead.  Outback, you take point, me, Leatherneck, and Hit and Run will be right behind you.  Wet-Suit has scuba gear, so he's the only one that can stand to be in the Humvee; he'll provide mobile cover.

LEATHERNECK: ...

RECONDO:  I have no idea what we're in for, so be ready for anything.

A FEW YARDS AWAY...

ZARTAN: Okay, boys, we've been paid a pretty penny to recover this 'ere war'ead for Cobra.  Let's keep it secure 'till their agent shows up.

OUTBACK: Cobra?  What's that guy talking about?

BUZZER: So Zartan, since weef already been paid for recoverin' this nuke, what's keepin' us from just takin' it an' sellin' it onna black market?

ZARTAN: Don't you fret about 'at, Buzzah.  I've got me eye on a sellah besides 'em blokes at Cobra headquarters....

RECONDO: Oy! I heard all about Cobra on the internet.  It's supposed to be some kind of secret, clandestine organization run by the Republicans or something.

HIT & RUN: God, I hate Republicans.

OUTBACK: Who doesn't?  So whaddaya think, Recondo?  Are these guys working for Cobra?

RECONDO:  We'll find out soon enough.  Wet-Suit should be overtaking them any second...

WET-SUIT: Yoooooooo Jooooooooooe!

DREADNOKS: Yeeeeeaaaaauuuuuuugh!

BUZZER: Getoffame!

WET-SUIT: Now guys!

RIPPER: You got more guys wif you?  Aw, fookin' 'ell!

TORCH: Wer awfra meg ton to tilly roffa bin banga-bang, Rippah!

RIPPER: Yeah, you may be right, Torch.  But we'll hafta wait an' see, won' we, Buzzah?

BUZZER: 'At we will, Rippah.  'At we will.

RECONDO: You guys are coming back to the U.S. of A. to tell us everything you know about Cobra and what it's planning to do with these warheads.

LEATHERNECK: Where's that guy in the hood?  The one with the Courtney Love makeup?!

MONKEYWRENCH: 'At's Zartan, an' I dunna know where he made offta.  He's a sneaky one, 'at Zartan.

LEATHERNECK: Wait...that accent...is that Scottish or Australian?

MONKEYWRENCH: Iss Welsh.

MEANWHILE...

ZARTAN: Heh, heh, heh...

LATER...

RECONDO: Recondo to H.Q., we've recovered one of the warheads!

HIT & RUN: Hey, ask what's for dinner tomorrow.

RECONDO: Not now, Hit & Run.

LEATHERNECK: Well, I tell you one thing, you rowdies.  You're gonna enjoy buttfucking each other in the brig back at the Pit!  Har-har-har!

TORCH: Ragreffer gree nock ter terry lick effen gerk, eh, Rippah?

RIPPER: I suppose yer right, Torch.  But 'at's what the latex is fer.

LEATHERNECK: Whoa.

WET-SUIT: I wonder if those guys in Antarctica are having as much luck as we are.

BACK ON ROSS ISLAND....

SNOW JOB: Oooh, look!  Penguins!

FIREFLY: Those Joes will get a real bang out of these penguins!

SHIPWRECK: Did someone say something about banging these penguins?

PENGUIN: Tick, tick, tick, tick...

TO BE CONTINUED

in Chapter 6: UNCOILED!

Chapter 4: Ross Island

G.I Joe Headquarters...Code Name: The Pit...

Deep in the Bowels of G.I. Joe's Top Secret Headquarters...

Mainframe: I've been analyzing the internet chatter about this "Cobra" organization and cross-referencing it with any information about Sir James Clark Ross.  Nothing conclusive, but...

Scarlett: Spit it out, Poindexter!  What have you got?!

Mainframe: Ross Island, Scarlett.  Ross Island.

Scarlett: Good God.  Ross Island.  It not only makes sense, it's brilliant.  The island was formed by four volcanoes--two of which are named Erebus and Terror.  Erebus is the Greek god of darkness, son of Chaos.

Mainframe: How did you know that?

Scarlett: Expository convenience.  Plus the volcanoes named Terror and Chaos just lend themselves to evil so well.

Mainframe.  Seriously.  We've got to tell the other Joes about this!

LATER....

Hawk: Okay, Joes, listen up.  Some british doucheknocker gave us intel on Cobra.  After that, a bunch of Cobra guys stole a bunch of warheads from Flint and Stalker.  Scarlett and Mainframe confirmed that Cobra is real and it has something to do with an arctic explorer named James Clark Ross.  Could be horseshit, but we'll see.  Scarlett?

Scarlett: Mainframe and I looked into the information provided by the doucheknocker and we think we may be on to something.  There's this island down by Antarctica named after James Clark Ross and his two ships, the Erebus and the Terror.  We agreed that those would be badass names for terrorists to do something with so we sent Blow Job down to scope it out.  He's there now.  Blow Job?

Snow Job: *crick* Ha-ha.  Like I haven't heard that one before.  Anyhoo, I tried to check in with the base at McMurdo, but there was no response.  Something's definitely going on down here.  Over. *crick*

Stalker: Beachhead, let's you and me go down and check out McMurdo and see what up.

Beachhead: Uh, word, Stalker.  We'll go see "what up."  And for those that don't click the links, McMurdo is a reasearch station located on Ross Island.  Dat's what up.

Doc:  Racist.

Duke: Just for that, Doc, you get to take the brownie hound and go retrieve Blow Job.

HOURS LATER, ON ROSS ISLAND....

Beachhead: *crick* Beachhead to base, Stalker and I made it to McMurdo station, but the place is abandoned!  *crick*

Beachhead: Luckily, there is still power.  We're going to take a look around and wait for Doc and Shipwreck to get back with Blow Job.  

Stalker: True dat.

Beachhead: *crick* Tell Roadblock he's right.  Stalker's a total Uncle Tom.  Over.  *crick*

MEANWHILE, NEAR SOME KIND OF PIPELINE THING....

Arctic Viper Sergeant: Okay, assholes, let's get this pipeline thing cut so that nobody can get power at McMurdo.  That will distract any military cocksuckers from messing up our plans.

Arctic Nerd Viper: Okay, everything is in order.  We're ready to start using our high tech equipment to sever this pipeline thing.

Arctic Viper #1: Okay, boys, let's cut up this pipeline with our chainsaw tanks!

Arctic Viper #1: Woo hoo!

Storm Shadow: Chainsaw tanks?  Seriously?

MEANWHILE....

Snow Job: F-f-f-f-fuck it's cold.  I hope those guys get here soon.

MINUTES LATER....

Shipwreck: Hey Doc!  There's Blow Job!

Doc: Shipwreck, you oughtta be the last guy making blow job jokes.

Shipwreck: Oh yeah.  Heh.  I guess I shouldn't call you "Cock," either?

Doc: You got that right.  Driver, stop the Snow Cat!  Let's get Snow Job back to our temporary arctic base and debrief him.

Shipwreck: Debrief him?  Can I watch?

Doc: Not that way, Shipwreck.  Not that way.

Snow Job: 'Bout goddamn time you guys.  It's cold out here!

Snow Job: I don't know what's going on at McMurdo, but I saw these weird chainsaw tank thingies cutting some sort of pipeline thing.  Looks like terrorist activity for sure!

Shipwreck: We're going to debrief you, Snow Job!

Snow Job: Uh, Doc?

Doc: Not that way, Snow Job.  Not that way.

Shipwreck: Aw...

TO BE CONTINUED

in Chapter Five: MYANMAR!

Chapter 3: Enter Destro

Castle McCullen; Callander, Scotland...

In one of the extravagant guest chambers, two enigmatic twins converse...

Tomax: My God, I'm--

Xamot: --devilishly handsome?  Yes, I know.  But what about me?  Do you think--

Tomax: --this McCullen fellow will make fun of your scar?  Probably.

Xamot:  Merde!

Seconds later...

James McCullen XXIV: Gentlemen, thank you for...whoa!  What the fook is on your face, lad?

Tomax: Mr. McCullen, I presume?

James McCullen XXIV: Aye, laddie.  I assume you've got the warheads so we can proceed?

Tomax: Oui, monsieur.  The detonators are in this case.

James McCullen XXIV: Excellent, gentlemen.  Well, I'll take these and be on my way to commence Phase Two of the plan.

Xamot: It's just a scar.  Lots of people have them.

James McCullen XXIV: Yeh, well it's bloody hideous, that.

Tomax: I can tell that--

Xamot: --my feelings are hurt?  Duh, Tomax.  Duh.

Tomax: You're a baby.  No wonder mom put us up for adoption.

Xamot:  You're such a douche, Tomax.

TO BE CONTINUED

in Chapter Four: ROSS ISLAND!