CHAPTER 10: Blood

IN AN ABANDONED SERVICE STATION ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF NEW ORLEANS...

ZARANA: Well, well, well, Zartan...mum was wrong about you.  You've done pretty well fer yerself, 'ere.  You can barely smell Torch's piss over in 'is corner, 'ere.

ZARTAN: Nevermind 'at, Sis.  You an' me has got to figger a way to get me Dreadnoks back before they spill their guts about me...or worse, about Cobra.

ZARANA: Zartan, ye got all ye need?  Lookit all 'see motorcycles!  Why do ye need more money from some clandestine terrorist organization?  What do ye want what ye don't already got?

ZARTAN: Don't ye start givin' me lectures now, lass.  I ain't worried about my excessive accumulation of material goods...I'm worried about me fookin' neck.  If any o' them Dreadnoks spill 'eir guts about Cobra, then I'm a dead man.  

ZARANA: Fookin' 'ell, Zartan, they got nicked by a bunch a bloody Yanks.  Whassa worst 'at could 'appen?

AT THAT MOMENT...

RIPPER: AAAAaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!

SGT. SLAUGHTER: A little too much juice to this one's balls, Duke--he passed out.  We're not getting anything out of him.

DUKE: Well, your bum buddy over there couldn't take the pain.  Can you take the pain?  I'll bet you can take the pain if I give it to you like a dog.  Hear me?  I'm gonna make you hurt...doggy style!

TORCH: *whimper*

DUKE: That's right, bitch...it's gonna hurt...so...good....

LAW & ORDER: Ummm...okay, Duke, on that note I think it's time to put these boys back in their cell.  We'll continue interrogating them tomorrow.

DUKE: I'll be back tomorrow, sweetheart.  You may want to sit on your bedpost tonight because--

LAW & ORDER: --Alright, alright, Duke.  Calm down, that's enough.

SGT. SLAUGHTER: I don't mean to speak out of turn, but I think Duke likes this advanced interrogation stuff a little too much.

LAW & ORDER: Gee, Sarge, you think?

LATER...

RIPPER: Oy...wha' happened?  Me bits n' pieces...

BUZZER: They fried your nut sack with jumper cables.

BUZZER: I sure 'ope 'ol Zartan busts us outta here soon...I dunna know how much more our scrotums ken take.

MEANWHILE, UPSTAIRS IN THE INFIRMARY...

LIFELINE: Okay, that's the last unit of antibiotic...I think you're going to pull through, Falcon.

HAWK: Sorry about you getting tagged by that sniper, Falcon.  But Bazooka came through and disarmed the warhead.

FALCON: What's going on out there, Hawk?  Warheads?  In volcanoes?  It just doesn't make sense...

HAWK: Seriously.  And to make matters worse, we've lost contact with our boys at the South Pole.

LIFELINE: Warheads...volcanoes...you know, Ross Island has two dormant volcanoes, Mt. Terror and Mt. Erebus.  Have you...

HAWK: You hear something, Falcon?

FALCON: Yeah...kinda sounds like...nerd.

HAWK: Sure does.  Heh heh.

LIFELINE: You guys are dicks.

HAWK:  Just yankin' your chain, Lifeline.  You're right.  There are volcanoes down there, and judging by what happened to Falcon here, we need to get re-establish communications with Stalker's squad and get them extracted before it's too late.  I've activated the only Joe for the job, and if I'm not mistaken...

HAWK: ...He just walked in.

LIFELINE: Holy Mary, mother of...

LIFELINE: ...it's Snake Eyes!

HAWK: Right you are, Lifeline.  And right now, he's Stalker's only hope.

BACK AT THE TEXACO...

ZARTAN: I need ye to 'elp me bust out the Dreadnoks, Sis, but you an' I bofe know, we canna' do it alone...

ZARANA: Right you are, Zartan.  If we're gonna' do this, 'en we need to call in...

ZARANA: ...Zandar.

TO BE CONTINUED in CHAPTER 11: NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS!

Chapter 9: Inferno

BACK AT THE PIT...

MAINFRAME: Okay, Hawk, it's all starting to come together.  Cobra--the terrorist organization that British guy told you about--stole the warheads we were supposed to transport to a military contractor.  Recondo recovered one of them from some hooligans in Myanmar near the base of Mt. Popa, one of the volcanoes of the Pacific Ring of Fire.

HAWK: Hmm.  And based on the intel...um...Duke retrieved from that punk rocker, we sent Falcon and his team to Mt. Shasta--another volcano in the Ring of Fire!

SCARLETT: Blow Job!

MAINFRAME: Oh my god, you're right!  Blow Job and Beachhead are down on Ross Island--Mt. Erebus and Mt. Terror are both volcanoes in the Pacific Rim!

SCARLETT: Oh, yeah...I hadn't thought of that. I was just remembering something I had to do tonight.

MAINFRAME: Huh? But you...said Blow Job...didn't you...mean...Snow Job...because we...tease...er...oh.  In any event, those guys are in incredible danger!  We've got to let them know that one of the nukes may be on the island.

BEACHHEAD: Any luck contacting The Pit?

SHIPWRECK: Still nothing...

SNOW JOB: I have a bad feeling about this.

MAINFRAME: Damn! Our Communications to Ross Island have been shut down.  We can't reach them, Hawk.

SCARLETT: Hey, what were you guys saying about "rim"?

HAWK:  Gross.  Mainframe, if we can't reach our boys on Ross Island, then there's only one chance...

MEANWHILE, OVER AT MT. SHASTA...

FALCON: Bazooka...the other two...are drunk.  You...must...deactivate the...nuke in...volcano.

BAZOOKA: I knew I shoulda drunk some of that stuff.

WILD BILL: *Snicker*

SPIRIT: *Snicker*

BAZOOKA: Awright, I'll climb down in the volcano to turn off that nuke, but you guys better go find out who shot Falcon so the rest of us don't get shot.

WILD BILL: *hic* Spirit's two steps ahead of ya, Bazooka.  When he drinks that fire water, he enters the spirit world...I bet he's scalpin' them dangum snipers right this second.

JUNGLE VIPER #1: Okay, now when the big one moves out from behind the vehicle, take your shot.

SPIRIT: Mmmmm...ya-ta-hey...mmmhhhhmmm....

SPIRIT: By the hand of my spirit fathers, may your blood fertilize this soil...

JUNGLE VIPER #1:  *GERK!*

JUNGLE VIPER #2: Aw, shit.

BAZOOKA: Damn, it's sure hot in here, with all this  lava and volcanic eruption and whatnot.  

BAZOOKA: I mean, downright, steamy.  Here's the warhead...and the deactivation code....

BAZOOKA: Okay, it's deactivated!  Load Falcon into the vehicle and let's get outta here before this whole mountain blows!

WILD BILL: Yee-haw!

BAZOOKA: That went smoothly enough.  As I attempt to ascend this hell hole, I can't help but wonder, am I being assisted by a supernatural being?  God himself, perhaps?  Or is this provident result merely the fortune of my hard work, dedication, and a little luck? 

BAZOOKA: Someday, I suppose.  Someday, I suppose I will receive answers to these questions, and those others posed by life's random circumstance...

WILD BILL: Good job, Bazook.  Hey, you ever use the old "Wanna take a mustache ride" line with the ladies?  

BAZOOKA: Mustach ride? Uh...wait...uh...um, no.  

THAT NIGHT, IN THE MEDICAL WING OF EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES CORPORATE OFFICES...

DESTRO: Wh...where am I?

DR. MINDBENDER: Take it easy, Mr. McCullen.  You've been through quite a bit in ze past few veeks.

BARONESS: Mindbender! The Commander thanks you for your assistance and medical expertise, but The Commander has asked me to take over from here....

MEANWHILE, AT THE PIT...

HAWK: Mainframe, our boys in that volcano are in peril and we can't even reach the guys on Ross Island.  The circumstances are dire.  We only have one chance.  Call in...

HAWK: ...Snake Eyes.

TO BE CONTINUED

in CHAPTER 10: BLOOD!!!