BACK AT THE PIT...
MAINFRAME: Okay, Hawk, it's all starting to come together. Cobra--the terrorist organization that British guy told you about--stole the warheads we were supposed to transport to a military contractor. Recondo recovered one of them from some hooligans in Myanmar near the base of Mt. Popa, one of the volcanoes of the Pacific Ring of Fire.
HAWK: Hmm. And based on the intel...um...Duke retrieved from that punk rocker, we sent Falcon and his team to Mt. Shasta--another volcano in the Ring of Fire!
SCARLETT: Blow Job!
MAINFRAME: Oh my god, you're right! Blow Job and Beachhead are down on Ross Island--Mt. Erebus and Mt. Terror are both volcanoes in the Pacific Rim!
SCARLETT: Oh, yeah...I hadn't thought of that. I was just remembering something I had to do tonight.
MAINFRAME: Huh? But you...said Blow Job...didn't you...mean...Snow Job...because we...tease...er...oh. In any event, those guys are in incredible danger! We've got to let them know that one of the nukes may be on the island.
BEACHHEAD: Any luck contacting The Pit?
SHIPWRECK: Still nothing...
SNOW JOB: I have a bad feeling about this.
MAINFRAME: Damn! Our Communications to Ross Island have been shut down. We can't reach them, Hawk.
SCARLETT: Hey, what were you guys saying about "rim"?
HAWK: Gross. Mainframe, if we can't reach our boys on Ross Island, then there's only one chance...
MEANWHILE, OVER AT MT. SHASTA...
FALCON: Bazooka...the other two...are drunk. You...must...deactivate the...nuke in...volcano.
BAZOOKA: I knew I shoulda drunk some of that stuff.
WILD BILL: *Snicker*
SPIRIT: *Snicker*
BAZOOKA: Awright, I'll climb down in the volcano to turn off that nuke, but you guys better go find out who shot Falcon so the rest of us don't get shot.
WILD BILL: *hic* Spirit's two steps ahead of ya, Bazooka. When he drinks that fire water, he enters the spirit world...I bet he's scalpin' them dangum snipers right this second.
JUNGLE VIPER #1: Okay, now when the big one moves out from behind the vehicle, take your shot.
SPIRIT: Mmmmm...ya-ta-hey...mmmhhhhmmm....
SPIRIT: By the hand of my spirit fathers, may your blood fertilize this soil...
JUNGLE VIPER #1: *GERK!*
JUNGLE VIPER #2: Aw, shit.
BAZOOKA: Damn, it's sure hot in here, with all this lava and volcanic eruption and whatnot.
BAZOOKA: I mean, downright, steamy. Here's the warhead...and the deactivation code....
BAZOOKA: Okay, it's deactivated! Load Falcon into the vehicle and let's get outta here before this whole mountain blows!
WILD BILL: Yee-haw!
BAZOOKA: That went smoothly enough. As I attempt to ascend this hell hole, I can't help but wonder, am I being assisted by a supernatural being? God himself, perhaps? Or is this provident result merely the fortune of my hard work, dedication, and a little luck?
BAZOOKA: Someday, I suppose. Someday, I suppose I will receive answers to these questions, and those others posed by life's random circumstance...
WILD BILL: Good job, Bazook. Hey, you ever use the old "Wanna take a mustache ride" line with the ladies?
BAZOOKA: Mustach ride? Uh...wait...uh...um, no.
THAT NIGHT, IN THE MEDICAL WING OF EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES CORPORATE OFFICES...
DESTRO: Wh...where am I?
DR. MINDBENDER: Take it easy, Mr. McCullen. You've been through quite a bit in ze past few veeks.
BARONESS: Mindbender! The Commander thanks you for your assistance and medical expertise, but The Commander has asked me to take over from here....
MEANWHILE, AT THE PIT...
HAWK: Mainframe, our boys in that volcano are in peril and we can't even reach the guys on Ross Island. The circumstances are dire. We only have one chance. Call in...
HAWK: ...Snake Eyes.
TO BE CONTINUED
Creating lava scene? = hours of effort. Scarlett perv jokes? = some loss of virtue. Setting up Snake Eyes to kick ass and save the day? Priceless...
ReplyDeleteP.S., Bazooka's heroic acts plus self reflection was a nice "Madmanian" touch.
ReplyDelete